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The one 'take-away' that I want moms everywhere to remember is this: You are not alone. There are thousands of women who feel the way do, experience the agony of failure, and the thrill of daily motherhood victory. I would like to share my own experiences with you through my blog, and help you to trust your intuition, believe in your abilities and realize that someone else understands. Enjoy!
Posted by Colleen Shields
on July 14, 2010
2 comments •
Happiness, it seems, according to many researchers, is elusive to parents. Many studies, including that of psychologists Lauren Papp and E. Mark Cummings, professors of psychology at UCLA, have found that having children increases depression and anxiety, and parents describe themselves as less "happy" than non-parents. More damning evidence against having the little darlings came out recently in a study, citing parents experience more "joy" and non parents experience more "happiness". For me and most of my readers, the question becomes..."How can I NOT be that unhappy parent, in an unhappy marriage with unhappy children?!"
I often ponder my own happiness, the happiness of my husband and that of my children. I would say I am mostly happy, except when, I feel intense anxiety that my time is running out to accomplish the great aspirations that I keep hidden- as though my expiration date is about 40 years old. I feel torn that perhaps, my happiness energy ratio should be about 90% children 10% husband and 10% me, that it's their 'turn', and mine will come, except maybe it won't, because 40 is fast approaching. Reading these studies and researching this topic has given me a new kind of determination to BE HAPPY, darn it! I feel compelled that you and I NOT become an unhappy parenting statistic; that we will be happy, fulfilled and live meaningful lives of joy and peace. Here are the ten steps that I discovered, after heavy research, scientifically improve happiness.
1. GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK
According to Changing Rhythms of American Family Life, a study by sociologists Suzanne M. Bianchi, John P. Robinson, and Melissa A. Milkie, all parents today spend more time with their children than in 1975, even though we have less leisure time, less time for ourselves, have entered the work force, and have more single parents than ever. Yet, the vast majority of parents feel they are NOT spending enough time with their children. I am familiar with a couple who have NEVER had a babysitter, even though their oldest child is 5 years old! They share this fact with an air of competitive bravado, as though they care that much more about their children than the rest of us. Yet, their marriage is strained at such a demand, and they seem woefully unhappy...I wonder why? You are not a slave to your children and their needs. Take a break, take a vacation, take a date night. Stop beating yourself up, stop feeling guilty and get out with adults. Immediately.
2. EVALUATE YOUR PURPOSE AND DEVELOP IT
Are you going through the motions of life? Do you feel satisfied at your job, or in your home life? If not, why not? Determine what your greatest strengths are and how you can use and cultivate them. You can start your hobby, join a group, get a new job, develop a skill, take a class. Decide how you would like to give back to the world, and give...give and give some more.
3. PINPOINT YOUR MOMENTS OR TRIGGERS OF UNHAPPINESS
If you are unhappy, or perhaps I should say when you are unhappy, why are you unhappy? Are these moments of stress with your children? Define these moments, and determine solutions. Is bedtime a ritual which has become a nightmare for you and your family? Stop doing the same thing and determine a different solution. Is homework a battle that you experience daily? Try changing the time and place you do it, maybe the library, for thirty minutes. Shift the paradigm. Do you think if only you had enough money, enough time, a young body, a prettier face...if only you had these things you would be happy? Research says none of these things will necessarily bring happiness. But if you able to determine the moments in your day when you feel anxiety, stress and unhappiness, you can pinpoint the solution.
4. CREATE A GRATITUDE JOURNAL
University of California at Riverside researcher and psychologist Sonja Lyabomirsky determined that gratitude journals significantly lifted moods, improved physical health, raised energy and even relieved pain and fatigue in some patients. Track the things you are grateful for in your journal daily, even if it's just one sentence. Focus on the positive and teach this to your children. We do this at prayers before dinner and on the way to school in the morning. It's a great way to start and end the day.
5. PERFORM RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS
Random acts of kindness could be cutting a neighbor’s lawn who is out of town or sick, bringing a meal to a new mom and her family, helping a family in need, making lunches for the homeless. Random acts are different than family acts of kindness. Random acts of kindness are things you do for strangers. In my world of four children, several businesses, and six siblings, most of my acts of kindness are for my family. I have no hard data on this, but I believe that helping your family frequently helps elevate the serotonin levels as well, except when you are stuck doing all the dishes for a dinner for 39...
6. CONTEMPLATE YOUR INFLUENCERS; THANK THEM
Who, in your life, have been your most notable influencers? Who has shaped your life and given you hope, knowledge, passion that you never knew you had? Who are the people that you secretly admire, who don't even know how much confidence you have instilled in them, or how much inspiration you have received from them? Make a list. Think of someone new every day. Thank them through a card or a visit. What I realized after doing this exercise is that many of them are no longer here to thank. Do not delay, you do not know what tomorrow holds.
7. FIND GOD
Many studies, including the famous "Nun Study", performed by Dr. David Snowden (Aging with Grace, Bantom), show that participants with religion are happier and better able to handle stress in life than those without. I have written many times about the benefits of religion to children...it's a great resource for yourself, your life and the lives of your children. Plus, big bonus here- apparently you live longer.
8. SURRENDER TO THE FUTURE, FOR IT IS UNKNOWN AND REMAINS THAT WAY
No matter how much planning you do, no matter how many facts, figures and determinations you make about your future, you have no idea how it will turn out. Determining, for example, your health demise based on your genetic predispositions may sound like a logical way to brace for a pending illness. But, think of the time, effort and energy you would have put into such a venture. Meanwhile, you could be hit by a car..or win the lottery and be able to buy yourself a kidney- or whatever the case may be. The point is, don’t stress. (All of my family and friends can continue to remind me of my own advice in this area, as I famously stress about the future, how we will pay for college, how we will finance retirement, how I will ever accomplish all of my goals, etc. etc.)
9. DEVELOP AND CULTIVATE YOUR FRIENDSHIPS
There is much written on the topic of play dates, which I have the benefit of finding vaguely annoying, as I have a prolific neighborhood with an average of 12 kids in my own backyard at any given time, (like right now), without dates on my blackberry and follow-up emails. I believe children should have spontaneity, and activities should follow suit in a creative way, and with people they find interesting, not just that I find interesting. However, many mothers that I know spend much time analyzing the children’s’ social schedule and planning meticulously elaborate play dates with just the right families. Yet these same women do not necessarily give their own lives and friendships half the attention as their children. What are you doing to cultivate your friendships? When was the last time that you found out something new about your friends, the ones you maybe have had for many years? When was the last time you had lunch or an event with your friends? Friendships are very important, and something that you should value. Children will emulate you in terms of how much you value or devalue your friends. According to a 14 year study by Flinders University in Australia, of the 1500 participants, those with the most friends outlived their counterparts by 22%. We are happier, more fulfilled and live longer when we have meaningful relationships with those around us.
10. LIVE WELL
I believe in gifting yourself, every day. I do it in little ways, like having the most pleasant sounding alarm wake me; using the most luxurious moisturizers and shampoos I can afford; having wonderful sheets and down comforters and lots of pillows; having whipped cream in my coffee every morning; getting in a great workout; sitting down to a beautiful salad lunch with a copy of Vanity Fair; long goodbye kisses from my husband; making a yummy dinner with great wine; long talks with my children at bedtime and talking to all the people I love, (okay all of these things are not daily, but many are). These are my little gifts that help me live well. (Just to shatter the fantasy let me tell you have I may have 10 loads of clean unfolded laundry next to my bed, but I always have good sheets.) And these are the little things that make me happy, and make me feel like I take care of me, and I live a wonderful life. I hope you will too.
In my darkest moments, I would never return my life to one without children. It may be difficult, challenging, sometimes absolutely maddening, but I think if we are aware of how to change those moments as much as possible to be loving, funny and enjoyable, then these dark times will become like Christmas tree lights strung upon the branches of our lives, twinkling brightly with memories of pure unabashed happiness, and the struggles in between become a part of the background carefully connecting each moment together to the beautiful top when they disappear to the star in the night. I wish you and yours happiness and peace.
Colleen Shields is a writer, producer, host and mother. You can read her blogs and see her parenting videos on http://theMomtastics.com, or follow her on Twitter @Momtastic.
Posted by Colleen Shields
on June 21, 2010
5 comments •
I have spent a significant amount of time considering how I could possibly bring my children the magic experienced in my summers. Now that three out of four can swim, I feel as though my brain capacity has opened up a little to fill that former stress void that I had, being constantly afraid of drowning- one of my greatest fears. I feel that now, suddenly, making sure my children have a special, magical summer has become very relevant. I analyzed how it came to pass that I had these experiences...and this is my best solution, right now, today.
Here are ten ideas that I have come up with to help bring some of the magic to my childrens' summer:
1. Let Go of The Competition
Some people consider summer a chance to get their child "a step ahead of the competition". Relax. I can attest that my sense of adventure is more valuable than any extra lacrosse camp I ever would have received.
2. Stay Up Late
Night time is magical to children. It's a time they don't get to experience very much. Taking your children for a walk at night (some place safe), going for ice cream at night, taking them to a ball game at night, going to see the frogs in the river- these are all things that will give them a sense of excitement they do not normally experience.
3. Sleep In
Let the schedule go and relax.
4. Live Your Former 10 Year-Old Self
Remember when you were 10? What was exciting to you? Choose adventures and do them as a family. Going deep in the woods to find 'bones' may be the perfect adventure. Take out a canoe. Go paddle boating in Washington D.C. Go biking on the Eastern Shore. We go swimming in the evening. Tonight they went in their clothes. It's okay, it's a wet car, it'll dry.
5. Appreciate the Moment
There is no greater gift to a child than when his parents are able to give him love and be present with him in the moment. Train yourself to Live The Moment. We went boating recently, and I took it all in. My second son in his oversized life jacket, my baby boy with his dimpled fingers, my two little ones who still let me strip them bare naked in public out of wet bathing suits...the fact that they still want to curl up next to me like little kittens, and I know it will be over in flash, and they will just want the keys to my car.
6. Love, Love, And Love the Outdoors
Love your spouse, love your kids, love yourself. Take care of yourself at all times, and always bring healthy snacks, drinks, dry clothes, baby powder, sunblock, bug spray, lots and lots of towels, and always always exercise. Every day. Outside. Be outside as much as possible. I equate connecting to nature like to connecting to God, it's an immeasurable gift that will always give back, and your children can always access. When there is nothing left in the world (because the boyfriend is gone, the test score is low, the bank account is empty etc. etc.), there is and always will be, God and nature.
7. Give Them a Little Independence
As I walked along the path at night with my friends, I felt like I was flying solo across the Atlantic! I felt I had arrived! It was about a quarter of mile from my house to the 'clubhouse', and my grandmother's house was about half that distance. I had 5 siblings, about 15 or so cousins, and at least 4 uncles watching me at all times, I just didn't know it. So now, I let my 10 year old go with his cousins, for half hour increments. I let him walk home from the beach. I let him decide a few things that he hadn't in the past. I let him feel empowered.
8. Double Down the Downtime
Having 'nothing' to do is good for children in our overscheduled era. Let them come up with the 'something', even if its laying in the grass studying the clouds or digging for worms.
9. Bring On the Friends
Summertime was a very social time for me. Studies show that children who have a higher aptitude for socialization generally make more money, and consider themselves 'happier' in life as adults. Do what you can to integrate your children's friends into your life.
10. Share and Share Alike
Do you have a pool, a boat, a swing set, homemade lemonade? What do you have to share? What do you have that will bring joy to your children? I had an "Ice Cream Social" last week, just to kick off the summer. It couldnt' have been easier. We put out a bunch of toppings in disposable bowls, lots of ice cream and cones in my backyard and invited everyone over. We put on dance music, and the adults came with cocktails. The kids had an amazing time, and the adults had good time too. It was easy. Have punch and cookies with a blow-up pool. It's a party.
I recognize how incredibly fortunate I was a child to have what I had. But I think even without many of the privileges, the beauty of summer lies in these very simple things that anyone can do, living in any neighborhood, anywhere in the United States. Good luck and I wish each of you a magical summer with endless days and nights of happiness and wonder.
Colleen Shields is a writer, producer and host, and mother of 4 children. To read more blogs see her website at http://themomtastics.com or follow her on twitter @momtastic.
Posted by Colleen Shields
on June 02, 2010
3 comments • Celebrity Parents
"Success" is an ambiguous term to me. How does one measure success? How does one define it? Is success how much money we have in our bank account? Is it how much we have accomplished in our professional life? Perhaps success is the amount of education we earned? Or maybe success is how bright our future paths are...Being first and foremost a mother (in addition to the others duties of my life), the concept of success is one I measure (most of the time), by the happiness and achievements of my children and husband, rather than myself. Looking at success through this lens can be a slippery slope; what if, perhaps, one's child goes through a naughty phase- does this make the mother unsuccessful? I think not. But, when your primary energy, time and commitment are targeted toward the health and well-being of those around you, measuring yourself to their achievement is inevitable. I carefully study successful people. Women who are able to achieve motherly success (i.e. their children are super in school, sports, arts and wonderfully behaved), in addition to professional success and marital success are truly captivating to me. I wonder what they think when they meet me, "This woman is crazy...why does she keep asking me questions...." Well, I am trying to learn learn learn. I love to listen to the little gold nuggets that people do not even know they possess. Little do they know that I grab each little nugget and keep it to review later...(Is that creepy?)
These are the top 10 Little Gold Nuggets of Success which I have carefully extracted from women all over the country:
1. Efficiency is key.
There are only 24 hours in the day for all of us. So how is it that some people simply get more done than others? They don't waste time doing things that someone else can do. When it's appropriate and the budget allows for it, bring in the reinforcements to do your mundane tasks to give you more time. Successful women schedule carefully and say no to anything that doesn't work in the schedule.
2. Plan longterm
Successful women anticipate the needs of the children, their husbands, their jobs, and the school picnic. The most successful women I know have their calendars mapped out for the year.
3. Don't sweat the drama
There is one thing that women from all generations and all parts of the world share, and that is drama. Sensitivity to everything that is said, goes on, and transpires will ruin even the most focused woman. Do not get involved in nonsense. (I even go so far as to avoid news during the workday so I am not distracted by natural disaster.)
4. Keep the children on the forefront.
You can be wildly successful with your career, but if you come home to a crying child because you were the only mother who didn't come for the Mother's Day Music Show you have had it. Staying on top of your child's basic needs and even the most trivial event is important. Schedule time with your child if you must. Create a day a week that is for your children and only them. Carve out time every day to spend real one-on-one time with them. Being in the same room doesn't count!
5. Stay connected to your husband.
If your marriage fails, your children's life will fall apart. Period. End of story. I'm not suggesting that you can't piece it back together again but it will take time and healing. Prevent it by staying focused on being connected to your spouse.
6. Don't overspend, overeat, overdrink
Keep a check on health, on your spending, on your social life. Inventory it weekly. If life spirals out of control in one of these areas, your entire life will suffer.
7. Commit
When your child is on a basketball team and wants to stay home to play with his friends, tell him no and remind him of his commitment to his team. He can play with his friends when he gets home. Committing and staying committed is a key strength to anyone who is successful at anything. Success takes hard work, which can only be achieved through commitment.
8. Say No
People who say yes to everything create an impossible scenario for success. Do not volunteer to be the homeroom mom if you are working 60 hours a week; you will be unsuccessful at work, home and school. People who recognize when they are maxed out are always appreciated for their gracious "no I'm sorry I am overcommited" statement. It's a gift to everyone around you when you say no, and bow out.
9. Baby Steps
Every major achievement is preceded by a series of very small achievements. You cannot achieve success without working these small accomplishments first, and then moving on.
10. Adapt and Change
Nothing is certain but change in life. As soon as you figure out how to take care of the baby, she's a toddler. As soon as you get on the preschool routine, it's on to reading readiness. As soon as you feel like you are on cruise control in your job, you are promoted. Life is everchanging, and our ability to adapt to that change, and show our children how to adapt to change will dictate our true success. At the end of the day, I do believe that success is largely in the eye of the beholder. As life changes our view of success will change with it, and hopefully our glass will remain half full.
Colleen Shields is a writer, producer and host with four children. For more vlogs, blogs, videos and information, check out http://www.themomtastics.com
Posted by Colleen Shields
on May 25, 2010
3 comments •
One of the core values of my life is to raise my children with the faith that I share with my husband and with which I was raised. Being Catholic is actually a fraction of the spiritual ratio. Having "faith" is the biggest piece of my spiritual life. Most people think of Catholicism as a lot of sit and stand, non-emotional, 'heavy-on-the-rules' type of religion. But for me, my faith is what has given me wings in many parts of my life and the courage to dare, to tread, and to nearly drown (but, alas survive). Without my faith, I do not believe that I would have had the wear-with-all to face great adversity, slim odds or major disappointments.
My point is this: no matter what, giving your children the foundation of religion with a heavy emphasis on faith is like a gift that gives in perpetuity. Children are the best receivers of faith: they believe the unseen. A child's level of thinking is on a higher realm in certain ways than adults, as they understand, embrace and believe theoretically beyond the here and now, the literal world. They do not share the skepticism that we have as adults. They are open, honest and forthcoming (sometimes to a fault, especially if you ask them if you look fat in your jeans). Children can also be clairvoyant too, in their sense of integrity and honesty; any hint of another's broken promise is taken very seriously. These concepts of faith, honesty and integrity are like a fertile field waiting to be seeded- the harvest of which will be a future of conscious thought and deliberate action, full of goodness and love.
I realize that I have had the benefit of a Mother uber committed to faith, and determined to instill habits that I now carry on to my children. For my readers who have not had the benefit of my Mother, here are some things that I do with my children to grow their faith, all of which I give full credit to my Mom...(I would also like to preview saying I am far from a good Catholic, but I try, all prayers for my eternal soul are welcome...)
1. Mommy and Daddy may not know but God does...
This is the concept that He is watching even if we are not.
2. Jesus is your friend, loves you, forgives you no matter what.
How many people do you know beat themselves up forever over something they have done...enough already...
3. You are very very special.
I talk about the Angels and the Saints, and how they all decided what kind of baby they were going to send Mommy from Heaven, and they picked out all the special qualities and I name each one...My Mother says "Every hair on your head is counted by God, he knows you from the tip of your head, to the tip of your toes.." I love that one too...
4. Pray pray pray and then pray some more.
We pray on the way on a trip, before a game, before dinner. I love to pray on the way to school, as we thank God for the beautiful day, or the rain for the trees who are so thirsty, and all our blessings and our family and our education, and for all the little children who can't go to school...(This one is great on Monday mornings.)
5. Go to Mass
A church, Synagogue, Mosque will work. But when you put an hour or so a week on the top of the priority list it tells your children that God is important, and so is your family, it's your time, and no one else’s. Protect it and covet it. Don't let anything or anyone encroach on your Sunday.
6. Be Generous.
To everyone, your family, your friends, strangers. Generosity comes in many forms in our lives, my favorite being kindness and forgiveness.
7. Watch Your Actions.
Not swearing etc. is a given, but I work very hard to "channel Jackie Kennedy" (which is a another blog) when things happen in front of my children. Someone flipped me off on the way to school the other morning- yes at 7:45 am, and actually told me to &*ck myself...I blessed her through grit teeth and kept my choice words to myself- that was a hard one.
8. Love Everyone.
My children, at one time, asked me how come some people are different religions, my answer of course "God loves everyone...." That is so easy. They don't ask anymore. Pray for your enemies, they need it, a lot.
9. Teach Forgiveness and Reconciliation.
How many people are you not talking to? How many people are you holding a grudge against? Your children will notate and file away for a later date when they can repeat this behavior...toward you. Forgive and forget. That doesn't mean expose yourself to unhealthy negative people (another blog). It means forgive them. The concept of reconciliation is such an incredible gift every child should have. If you can stand before another, confess, ask and accept forgiveness, you can achieve great things. Every child should be imparted carefully with this concept.
10. God Wants the Best For You.
The concept that God wants the best for you, Jesus is looking out for you etc., gives your child an optimistic attitude for the future. I am always reminded of the six year-old boy that hid in the latrine at Auschwitz and was discovered by American soldiers when the camp was liberated. Some would say he lived in feces, others would say he survived supreme odds of certain death. Optimism is a key component to giving and receiving abundance and success. Goodness is rewarded.
This turns out to be much more than I had wanted to share, but I tell you with my heart that I wish many people were raised with even some of these ideals, so I take this time to thank my Mother, her Mother and her Mother before her.
Colleen Shields is an author, producer, host and mother. To read more blogs and see her videos, log onto http://www.themomtastics.com.
Posted by Colleen Shields
on May 18, 2010
2 comments •
One of the great concerns of my life is that my children grow to be rigorous, ambitious, and resourceful adults. I find myself frequently concerned over this issue. My own sense of dogged determination came out of the survival skills I learned being the youngest of six children. I am acutely sensitive to my own family's interpretation of this, however, when you are one of many, any attitude or gesture short of "I MUST HAVE", means you will not receive. I learned quickly how to maneuver through group situations to get what I needed, when I needed it. 'The squeaky wheel' is only one of many tactics which I mastered early in life. I have no regrets about being from a large family; to the contrary, I loved it (and still do). I also believe that these early years were vital to my future, as my sense of "Oh Yes I Can", carried me to a full scholarship to college . I felt early in my life that if I wanted something, I had to get it myself.
Which brings me to my great concern for my children. My own sense of determination transcends to the welfare of my children. I am determined to make certain that each of their needs are met. Sometimes when people ask me what I "do", I answer "I get four children dressed, fed, to school on time , with papers signed, healthy lunches made, picked up to practice from practice, with homework done, dinner fed, bath, read to, with clean- proper clothing, prayers 3 times a day and always always teeth brushed." I do do do. I do so much I wonder if they will ever become hungry with determination. Will they ever push themselves, or will I always be the one pushing them? My mother didn't have to push me; I pushed her to drive me to agents, auditions, performances. She was (and is) always supportive, but her concern was protecting me from myself and those creepy people who lurk around the entertainment industry.
So the question becomes: how do you get your children to want, when they want for nothing? I am reminded of President Teddy Roosevelt's quote and one of my favorites:
"It is far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat."
Theodore Roosevelt, "The Strenuous Life"
Perhaps my children do not need to 'want' in order to become great people. Perhaps understanding that success (in any form) takes discipline and dedication. Perhaps their mother and father's commitment and love for them will give them confidence to push through the inevitable challenges of life. Perhaps they will honor their own privilege by dedicating their lives to those who have nothing. Perhaps...
I hope it works, and welcome any suggestions. In the meantime, I continually remind them of their unique American life- a home, a family, an education, a wii...these are things that many people do not have. The other thing they do not have is a mother who is dedicated, (Mom you are annoying me, don't kiss me in the parking lot), caring (Mom you are so mean making me wear a coat in the winter), and most of all, completely obsessed with their well being (I'm taking my bike two houses down why do I have to wear a helmet?) So they should be thankful, grateful, and humble. (As I should be too, for being SUCH a good mom to my little monsters, oh I mean my little darlings)....in the meantime I will pray for their future and hope their dogged determination includes keeping mommy happy with lots of appreciation.
Below are a few more ideas that I am considering...Note: Unspoil your children AT YOUR OWN RISK!
1. Make their own lunches.
2. Remove all but the canned food from the pantry.
3. Hide the can opener.
4. Do their own laundry.
5. Go camping, (in a tent).
6. Replace the house phones with the round dial kind/Hide the cell phones.
7. Tell them to organize their "ride home" from practice.
8. Hide most of their clothes, and give them some of your husbands hand-me-downs.
9. Remove all the batteries from the house, including all hand held remotes.
10. Disconnect the cable/internet.
For more blogs, vlogs, articles, and videos, go to http://www.TheMomtastics.com. Colleen is a writer, producer, host, and mommy living in Annapolis with her husband and four children.
